Are you planning on vacationing to Scotland? Are you worried about embarrassing yourself? Accidentally insulting a stranger? Acting like a fanny? This guide is for you!
Please note this is just a tongue-in-cheek bit of fun, and I hope I don’t insult anyone. If I have, please email Yvette directly. In the subject, please write “Delete this email without opening.”
Also, fanny doesn’t mean the same thing over here. On with the nonsense!
This is the sixth article in my Planning A Trip to Scotland series. To read the first article in the series, click here. To receive all the articles in this series by email, you can sign up here.
What Not To Do When You Visit Scotland
Machrie Moor Standing Stone, Isle of Arran
Food & Drink
1. Spell ‘whisky’ as ‘whiskey’
‘Whiskey’ is Irish or indeed American.
Bourbon isn’t whisky. We laugh at Bourbon. Then drink copious amounts of it at the weekend anyway.
2. Add anything other than water or ice to your whisky
The barman will escort you to the door where the police will meet you to escort you to the airport. That’s like slapping God in the face for giving you a beautiful gift.
Having a dram at Bunnahabhain Distillery, Islay
3. Refer to whisky as Scotch
Or the people for that matter. You can call us sexy.
4. Accept a drink without buying one in return
“The round” system dictates that everyone in a group must buy everyone else in the group a drink, no matter how many people there are. Ten-person rounds aren’t uncommon. Neither are hangovers.
5. Buy bottled water
Our water is amazing. Bring a refillable bottle. Whether tap water or straight from a highland stream, it is a gift from the Gods.
6. Come all this way and not try haggis
If you’ve ever eaten hot dogs, you’ve eaten worse. At least we don’t hide what the ingredients are.
Culture
7. Ask if we know your friend Jock McTavish from Auchtermuchty
There are more than 5 million of us. There’s a good chance we don’t. Unless it’s Jock McTavish from Auchtermuchty who used to play rugby as a laddie and his grandad used to run the butchers in the high street…
8. Refer to yourself as Scottish
If you, your parents, your grandparents, your great grandparents, et al once vacationed in Seton Sands Caravan Park this doesn’t make you Scottish or whatever other tenuous link you can conjure up. We do accept exemplary applications for membership though.
Puffins on Staffa
9. Start a conversation about religion
Sectarianism in Scotland is still rife in certain areas. It’s a subject best avoided. Even our football teams have strong links to Catholicism and Protestantism. Aye, it’s stupid. We know.
10. Ask someone if they can play the bagpipes
Of course we can. Every single one of us. The Scottish government supplies a “My first bagpipes set” as part of the Baby Boxes given out to new parents.
Braemar Highland Games
11. Expect us to be ‘perma-kilted’
Times have changed, “Now, the kilt was only for day-to-day wear. In battle, we donned a full-length ball gown covered in sequins. The idea was to blind your opponent with luxury” – Groundskeeper Willie.
12. Ask a man what’s under his kilt
It’s his boaby. If a man is in a kilt, it’s likely for a special occasion and he’s more than likely had a few drinks and will be delighted to show you ‘the last turkey in the shop.’
13. Speak with a Scottish accent
Even if you’re on your 7th round just don’t. We were probably enjoying talking to you up until that point but will likely make any excuse to leave. “Sorry, I’ve left my gerbil on fire at home.”
Highland Cow
14. Talk about politics
The whole independence thing can be pretty divisive. We just tend to save our opinions for the voting booth here. Probably best you don’t bring up US politics either as you might not hear what you expected whether you’re a gun-toting redneck Republican or one of those tree-hugging liberals.
On a side note, I’ve still never met a Scotsman who liked Margaret Thatcher. I hope I never do.
15. Complain about the lack of face clothes and top sheets
We’re a hardy bunch. We wash our faces with handfuls of gravel and sleep under unravelled kilts. Seriously though – this has been the most discussed topic on the Scotland Travel Tips Facebook group. It’s mind-boggling.
Culross, Fife
16. Take our gruffness as rude
It rains here 367 days a year. It’s mostly down to seasonal affective disorder. We might walk around with a face like a smacked arse but we are genuinely some of the friendliest people you’ll ever meet.
17. Queue Jump
If you have ever wondered how lynch mobs become a thing this is a great way to find out.
Glasgow Street Art
18. Get offended if someone asks to “Bum a fag off you”
This literally means “Can I possibly have one of your cigarettes please my good man? I appear to have left my cigarillos on the credenza in the boudoir.”
19. Make a movie about an immortal claymore-wielding Scotsman and have him played by a French Canadian with a plummy Scottish accent, while an actual Scotsman plays his Spanish mentor (but refuses to speak with anything but a Scottish accent.)
I am of course referring to 1986’s should’ve-been-straight-to-video classic, Highlander, starring Christopher Lambert and Sean Connery. I slate Braveheart and Mel Gibson in every other article I’ve ever written so it was time to mix it up.
A pub in Scotland
Travel and Transport
20. Forget to thank the bus driver
I was shocked recently to learn that it isn’t universal to say “Cheers, driver” when disembarking a public bus. Manners go a long way.
21. Stay in the overtaking lane
If you are driving on a motorway or dual carriageway and overtake a slower vehicle don’t forget to move back into the left lane when it is safe to do so.
22. Rent a car without reading this first
Read this guide to driving in Scotland and it will make you much better prepared.
Yes, I am promoting one of my own articles on my travel blogger wife’s website. It’s a goal of mine to have the article with the most reads as it will wind her up to no end. Share it with your friends!
The North Coast 500
23. Butcher world famous place names
Edinburgh is pronounced, “Ed-in-bruh”. Glasgow is pronounced, “Glazz-go”. Milngavie is pronounced “Mull-guy.” Erm… aye.
Edinburgh
24. Rub the dog’s nose
Just don’t touch the Greyfriars Bobby statue in Edinburgh at all. He’s a national hero and should be recognised as such. Some eejit tour guide made up the rumour it was lucky to stroke his nose. It isn’t It angers him and he is a vengeful pooch.
Beware the wrath of Bobby
25. Think Scotland is part of England
I just mean… what…?!
26. Ask what we do when it rains.
Everything is cancelled. We all go home. Daily.
27. Expect the weather forecast to be accurate
Every day it will say cloudy with a chance of rain. EVERY DAY!!!
28. Underestimate the midges
I even wrote an article on this, which you can read here.
29. Ask what clan someone belongs to
Most people won’t know unless their name begins with either Mac or Mc.
30. Expect phone signal in the Highlands
Download the maps to your phone in advance. Pro tip for you there.
31. Call a loch a lake
It’s not the same as calling a tomato a tomato or a potato a potato.
32. Tell every Scottish person you meet how much you love Outlander.
Not the phenomenon in Scotland that it was in the rest of the world.
33. Assume the Highlands are empty.
They’re not empty. They’re full of sheep that have absolutely no intention of moving off the road for your rental car.
34. Expect summer to mean warm.
Warmth is subjective really…
35. Assume everywhere is “just a short drive”
Visitors will say things like: “Could we pop up to Skye for lunch and be back in Edinburgh for dinner?” Yes. If you leave yesterday.
36. Wear brand new hiking boots onto a hill.
Getting airlifted to safety because of a blister will not happen. Mind and pack the Compeed patches.
37. Expect Scots to hate England because of what happened hundreds of years ago
We don’t. We just love beating them at sports #1967worldchampions
38. Be surprised when locals ask a lot of questions about where you’re from.
We ask everyone this regardless of age, sex and ethnicity. We’re just really nosey. Now, tell me more about your credit card number and expiry date.
39. Assume “no bad” means average.
This is the highest praise you will receive from a Scottish person. “How did you enjoy the 17 course tasting menu I lovingly prepared for you?” “Aye, no bad!”
40. Assume a “close” in Edinburgh means something is closed
A close is actually a narrow alley between buildings. Edinburgh’s Old Town is full of them.
They look like somewhere a Victorian prostitute might get murdered, but they usually lead to lovely courtyards.
41. Say “Loch Ness Lake”
That would mean Lake Ness Lake…
42. Assume Ben Nevis is an easy stroll
Every year, visitors turn up wearing trainers and a hoodie because it’s “just a hill.” It is, in fact, over 4000ft of weather mood swings. The summit can be winter while the car park is having a pleasant spring afternoon.
43. Be shocked by how late the sun sets in summer
In June, the sun sets around 10:30 pm in much of Scotland. The sky stays light well past midnight. Your body clock will collapse sometime around day three.
44. Assume every island has a bridge or ferry every five minutes
Skye has a bridge which is probably why it’s so busy in the Summer. Most places will require a ferry booking in advance. Scotland has over 790 offshore islands, with 94 to 115 being
inhabited, depending on the criteria used. Technically, we have more islands than Greece.
Stick that up your baklava.
45. Complain about the rain while standing in the country that invented waterproof jackets
You ain’t here for a suntan. Too wet and miserable? Pub!
Too wet and miserable and you don’t drink? I don’t know…Museum?
46. Expect everyone to know Gaelic
We probably should but it is a very difficult language to learn and not one readily taught in most schools. If I had more time and wasn’t as thick as two short planks I would love to learn it.
47. Assume every Scottish person likes whisky
Some of us like gin. Or tea. Or the blood of our enemies.
48. Think tartan belongs to one clan forever and cannot be worn otherwise
Cultural appropriation isn’t a thing when it comes to kilts and tartans. We believe everyone should be allowed to look as alluring as us. To be honest, clan tartans are mostly a Victorian invention.
49. Assume the Highlands will have Uber
Outside of Edinburgh and Glasgow, you will struggle. Local taxis or handsome private driver guides are your best bet.
50. Expect restaurants in remote areas to stay open late
The Chef probably has a second job he has to be up early for. He may have milked the cow that supplied the milk for your coffee earlier that day.
To Conclude
These are just some funny examples; we aren’t actually that judgmental.
If you need help with your Scotland trip, my wife has a great Planning a Trip To Scotland course that will help you to avoid costly mistakes like the ones I mentioned in this article.
Now- get the plane tickets sorted, book some accommodation, and come have a good time with us. Oh, and bring money – it’s your round.
This is the sixth article in my Planning A Trip to Scotland series. Be sure to read the next article in the series, 50 Scotland Travel Tips, or sign up here to have the whole series emailed to you.
MY BEST TRAVEL TIPS FOR SCOTLAND
Here is a list of travel resources that I always use that save me time and money. For more tips check out my ultimate guide on planning a trip to Scotland.
💜 Planning: If you’re on a budget I highly recommend grabbing my Ultimate Scotland Travel Planning Bundle. It includes an ebook, digital travel planner, and cheat sheets for planning your trip.
💜 Planning a Trip to Scotland Course: If you are looking for help to plan your trip from start to finish, my Planning A Trip To Scotland course is my absolute best resource for creating your itinerary! It includes 70+ videos about every aspect of planning a trip to Scotland.
💜 Booking flights: I use Skyscanner when researching and booking my flights as I find them to have the best deals. I also use Google Flights to compare flights I’ve found on Skyscanner. I always book direct with the airline.
💜 Accommodation: I use Booking.com when booking my accommodation in Scotland. I also have a list of my recommended accommodation in Scotland here.
💜 Travel insurance: I always recommend booking travel insurance for any trip you take. Personally, I use CoverMore– I used to sell this insurance when I was a travel agent and dealt with claims on behalf of my customers frequently and they were really easy to deal with. World Nomads is also another high-quality insurance provider I recommend.
💜 Tours and Activities: I use GetYourGuide whenever I can to book tours and activities. I also recommend purchasing the Explorer Pass if you plan on visiting a few attractions.
💜 Transport: When hiring a car in the UK I always use Celtic Legend. You can save 10% off your car rental by using the referral code WAYFARINGKIWI when you ask for a quote. For train times and bookings I use Scotrail (Scotland’s main network) and I also compare prices with Trainline. For bus travel, I use Megabus for cheap fares.
💜 What to pack: The weather is changeable in Scotland and you can sometimes have four seasons in one day! I’ve written this comprehensive packing list for Scotland that will tell you everything you need to pack, whether you’re travelling from abroad or living locally and you’re planning a day trip to Scotland.
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